I read online today, that the Pope is resigning. I didn’t know that was possible. I thought that popes petered out and just retired to Miami. I’ve heard they usually buy condos, and spend their days playing Bingo on the beach. Apparently, Bennie is “too infirm to continue his duties.” This is the first time in 600 years that the Pope pooped out. I wonder if God is a little annoyed at his abdication. Even though I’m Jewish, I’m still quite concerned. Millions of men, women, teens and tots, will miss having an illustrious leader. In the meantime: Who will turn a blind eye to sordid scandals? Who will refuse to take urgent action against pedophile priests? And who will schmooze with the Jews?
Unfortunately, there’s no temp agency for popes. It isn’t like hiring a secretary or having a head hunter. Searching for a new pope is hard work. Although there are a few candidates, no one has been chosen yet. The world awaits the sight of smoke signals. That kinda reminds me of camp, but the bishops don’t sing Kumbaya around a fire and roast marshmallows.
I hope that Bennie enjoys his retirement. I envision him in Florida – softly singing Latin dirges to devout Italian ladies. He’ll hang up his red robe and bling ring, kick back in a cozy cabana, and ponder the mysteries of the universe. Maybe he’ll write a memoir and it’ll become a bestseller. He could lecture at colleges, do the talk show circuit, and have his own religious, reality show. Perhaps, he could even start dating. An eligible pope is like kosher, Christian candy. If all else fails, an ex-pope might work at Walmart as a greeter: “Bless you son, for your sexual sins. The condoms are on Aisle 4!”